Whatsoever resemblance to any living or whosoever dead is INTENSE-NULL

Monday, August 30, 2010

Kis kis ki kismat

Disclaimer (for family and relatives only): Nothing that you are about to read reflects my state of mind. It is an attempt for a blogging contest that I want to participate in. Better, don't proceed.....oops :p     

Rest of the world.....so listen to what itched my brain last night. As expected, I self-talked for long as to what new technology I should come up with. Needless to say, every idea that crossed my mind somehow ended up in obvious extreme misuse by, of course, us. Homo sapiens are born f***ed-up creature, we tend to mess up everything around us. But of all the ideas, one that may benefit many is an FM. It is not the one you stuff in your ears and forget what the lecturer blabbers. It is rather a FANTASY METER, tailored for those Lukhkha Pandeys like me who are single and always ready to mingle ;). Sounds goofy? Eh.....let me explain.  

Suppose you are on your regular hunting stroll down the regular filled-with-love-birds lane of your regular maddening college. Maddening because you think you deserved better. Hunting because you are a f***ing loser when it comes to proposing a girl. Err, slip of tongue.  

Anyway, this fantasy meter tied to your wrist will have a compass and a digital display. Compass will point to the girl staring at you at that instant and the display will read out what her intentions (ahem, ahem) really are. Ahan.....seems you just jumped on your feet. Relax! Now, the complexity comes into picture if the girl you stared at has this FM. Things can be unpredictable.

It is also likely that you will be angrily ogled or slapped by many - then and there, or maybe you escape the beating because your FM will also alarm you to run asap. So, it is equally likely that the Lukhkhi Pandey who is as single and ready to mingle as you never crosses your path. On the contrary if she does cross, her FM will let her know that a premi-aashique-aawaara, paagal-majnu-diwaana is passionately staring at her. Bingo! Lukhkha Pandey no more.

~~ Happys Endings ~~

Saturday, August 21, 2010


December 17, 2009
09:00 pm

Rajdhani Express was green-signaled. Sanjeet rushed into the railway station with a suitcase in his left hand and a bottle of water in the other. Unusual traffic blockage often led to such improbable and exasperating situations.  

Sanjeet was a Computer Engineer from N.I.T. Jamshedpur. His family business Tathastu, one of the leading software consultants of the eastern region held over 5000 employees but he was a greenhorn yet. So before he could take on his father, it was required that he be exposed to various managerial skills, emerge well poised to handle the multitude of his company’s workforce.   

Although he was gasping, he ran towards the train in his full capacity and boarded before it got too late. The next day he was supposed to attend a seminar in MDI Gurgaon on the rudiments of Business Management. So missing it was not an option for him.

The train had picked herself by then. Sanjeet let his hair down on the attendant’s seat to pacify his pulse; kept the suitcase on the floor, uncapped the water bottle and quenched his overdue thirst. After a sigh of relief, he took out the ticket from his pocket and looked for the coach number.

“How may I help you, sir?” The attendant stopped by him.

“Which way can I get to AS8?”

“It is AS4, sir. Yours is this way through.” The attendant pointed towards the entrance.

Crap! Yet another long tread.

Sanjeet looked cheesed off. He picked up his suitcase and entered the compartment. His eyes rummaged around for beautiful faces that he was fond of. He barely found any. So, he quickened his steps.

Sanjeet was an aesthete since his teenage. His wall was collaged with the cuttings of glamorous photographs hunted from magazines. He was an ardent fan of Drew Barrymore so the walls were largely occupied by her posters. Her cutest smile was radiant from each corner of his den. Amitabh Bachchan was his role model when it came to acting so he loved imitating him.

Apart from movies, he fancied painting, skating, reading novels and chatting. His writing skills were par excellence so most of his friends had their love letters done from him and so with the passage of time, he turned out to be a big flirt. Even look-wise he was well turned-out; his clothing had an urbane touch.

Sanjeet traversed through the bogies in little less than 10 minutes but the train was singularly empty. In fact, his own compartment held only one other traveler - a lady in her early twenties dressed up a la mode in a lavishly embroidered pink salwar suit, seated on the berth opposite his. A thick cluster of black curls eclipsed each ear. She was spectacled and was busy biting her nails over a novel, her head into it and thus, her face hardly noticeable.

No wasting time. Sanjeet smiled at the thought. He kept the suitcase beneath his berth and rammed it further to seek her attention. But she remained unmoved, only that she stopped biting her nails. It was appalling so he interrupted.

“Interesting novel it seems. Who is the….”

“Dan Brown. The Da Vinci Code.” She was prompt, and very well estimated his desperation. Sanjeet was able to read her ignorance in those black and white pages which she preferred over knowing a stranger.

“Ohh…Brown.” He spoke as if he personally knew the author. “He is a genius. I have read most of his masterpieces. You read Deception Point? It was such a big hit. And Digital Fortress. Wow! It enthralls me. It was a multi-million-copy bestseller.” His elation upon reminiscing the plot was quite evident from the smile edging on his face. But something else was on his mind so he changed the topic straight away.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

He wanted to draw her into some chinwag. But, was she getting annoyed?

She also understood his apprehension so she finally looked up. She adjusted her beamless spectacles from mid of her nose, tucked her hair caressing it from the hairline to the ear posterior and spoke to him.

“Yeah. You’re right. But…” She lulled at once. At either end, there was silence.

The trees through the sun-tanned glass were running past them madly. Sanjeet couldn’t bat an eyelid at the sight. Her deep sea-like bluish eyes were dive-impelling. Her ears pierced with a pair of scintillating diamond-studded earrings waited a bite and her cheeks blushed by the slaps of the cool breeze urged a kiss. The necklace that adorned her beautiful neck sparkled in brilliance. Her cranberry lips bruised each other and her speckless flickering skin crossed all barriers of speculation. She looked like one of those fairies of the fables that the kids usually hear from their grandparents before going to bed. In short, her beauty could not be verbalized at once.

Sanjeet was speechless, his jaws denying falling back. On the other hand, she looked dumbfounded but a smile edged on her face gradually. “Hey Sunny. I don’t believe this.” She kept aside the novel and offered him to sit. But he stood absent-minded and motionless. He just couldn’t help staring at her. 

“Are you here, Sunny?” She spoke avid, even waved. But it didn’t work, so she wobbled him. “Where are you lost, young lad?”

“Yeah. Ahh…..nothing.” He was confused and spoke hum and haw. “I mean I am here. In fact, I must be here. I am not lost.”

“Then sit down.” She was no more annoyed, her face beaming with joy. “Don’t you remember me?”

Sanjeet sat down and clearing his throat, spoke in an innocent tone. “No, it isn’t the matter. Actually…”

“Actually what?”

“Nothing really. But did I tell you my name?” He grazed through his head stirring up the memory. “I think I didn’t.”

“Then I assume you do not remember me. How dare you?” Tanya was outright. Her demanding tone surprised Sanjeet and it surfaced with his expression.

“Anyway, try and remember if we met before.”  

“Met before? Really?” He itch his head groping for some misplaced memory file. “Maybe we met some place but I can’t recall. By the way, what’s all this?” He tried to pull her away from the topic. “I mean, look at you. Who does all this make-up in a train journey?”

“This should not be a problem. All are imitations, say.”

“Well and good then. But anyway we can be robbed off. All thanks to you, you have set the probability high.” He winked at her, pointing towards the necklace. “So, tell me. Have you been to Jamshedpur?”    

“What? No but why do you ask?

“I mean, have you been there recently?” His gestures were flirty. He further probed into. “May be during Utkarsh. Cultural fest. N.I.T. Jamshedpur? Does any of it ring a bell?

“No dear. As far as I remember I have never ever attended any such fest. Not even in my college.”

Unintentionally though, his mind was puzzled. The different shapes of information did not help him to solve the jigsaw. “One minute. I can tell you.” Sanjeet broke into. His tone was gratifying. He paused for a while and soon after, crafted an astute gesture. “I have seen you in my dreams.” There he was where others usually failed – flirting.

“Stop your nonsense, Sunny. We met on yahoo chat. Now you remember, Mr. sunny_dude? We even exchanged pics. And now, don’t you say you don’t chat?” Her demanding tone grew with each piece of information coming up. “I never knew you were such a heedless person.”

“Yeah, I remember. I am so sorry. I was trying to make sure if you…” Sanjeet paused, finding it difficult to trick her into an excuse. He looked up in desperation. “Actually, I am so glad to be in the memories of a sweet, melodious and spurious lady like you. I never knew yahoo rooms had visitors like you, Akshita?”

“Akshita? Is that what you remember? And we also discussed to meet someday. Ahhh…” Tanya was losing her solace, her stupendous expressions indicating her prick.

Sanjeet estimated the heat of the moment. It was like being thrown at once, out of the frying-pan into the fire. He plunged into his chat history, and somehow recollected who she was. Then he cooked up a fine tale, turned away from her and thumped his dramatizing hammer again. “I was just checking your patience and optimism. Now I see that you are short-sighted. In fact, dull-witted.” He shrugged his shoulders, cleverly posing his fake innocence. “Akshita is a friend from my neighbourhood and you…..” He paused at once.  

“Is that what you think about me?” Discontent lay bare on her face. “So, Akshita is your neighbor and just good friends. Right?

“Just good friends. I think I already told you about her. Don’t you remember?”

He was pushing too hard so he feared that his creativity may queer over his pitch. So he made up with it at once. “Listen, I didn’t mean what I said. But then…..” He paused again. For a moment he sat motionless and then he turned towards her. “Okay, I am sorry for being indifferent and also for lying.”

“Do not be a humble pie now. Is that what you are trying to be?” She spoke in a disagreeing tone.

“It isn’t like that Tanya, unless you do not want to believe me at all.” He did artifice all fair and square in one go.

“Then why were you trying to fool me? You looked obfuscated. And you are at once being so stately. Anyone can get confused in such a situation. It is you who must take the sole responsibility for framing the conundrum of unknowing the known.” Her words fell short of any leniency but were rightly put, given the situation.   

“Fine. You have the liberty in your life. But, do not chafe off me.” He spoke angrily but he knew he was being stupid. After a minute spent in dead silence, he turned temperate and with the very promptness of his brain spoke to her in a soft, decorous tone. “Forgive me.”

He held her hand and caressed it. Gradually her anger vanished, for his modest expressions and alertness impressed her. She smiled coyly and jerked his arm in desperation. “So, friends again?  Drawing nearer, a little of the color tiptoeing back to her face, Tanya looked at him with a certain amount of interest and curiosity. Sanjeet shook his head in yes.

At the same time, few waves crossed his mind demanding an explanation. He always had believed that falling into some serious love was a poisoned chalice. But now he was changing, gaining his amour-propre, his eyes closed in some serious thought. He was turning courteous and considerate, and his ways of perceiving relationships were now refined and exacted. 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Lukhkha Pandey katl-e-aam

Brought to you in association with Foogle and MeowTube….the DOCUMENTary waala

[Buffering (%)…..2]

Hi Lukhkha, how

[Buffering (%)…..15]

are you today? Let me tell you that this video certainly will prove to be a turning point in your life. Do not be surprised if I tell you

[Buffering (%)…..35]

that I came across your blog 'A request one dare not forward' where you not only insulted my intellect but also eyed me in a sullied manner.

[Buffering (%)…..75]

I may not be well connected like you but your appraisal for the financial year 2010-11 will be on my desk again and this time, not only the horrible-looking Rashmi but every tom-dick-harry will be promoted minus, ofcourse, you. But don’t worry, I have thought of an alternative for you. I hope you won’t mind typing your resignation letter. Not

[Buffering (%)…..100]

now, not now…..patience boy…..I want to see you at my desk…..the very first hour in the office tomorrow. Then you are supposed to voluntarily type your resignation. And yes, be punctual…..you know how much I hate latecomers. 

Yours never,
HatcheR Manager
(waves in action) Chaata    

Monday, August 16, 2010


[The picture that follows was sent to me by a friend for my opinion.....and after I sent him what I felt, I thought what the hell.....why not post it here for your opinion. Now, go on!!!]

Today I have a chance. Bloody, I have scanned every bathroom in XL since I was re-launched in a new avatar. I don’t know how this shabby guy managed to stay unnoticed. Never mind. Now, I am gonna prove to these numb people what it takes to shipshape a customer like him. Hell yeah! I shall emerge triumphant. Amen.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A request one dare not forward

Disclaimer: The following letter is entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to a disgusting thought or an offensive sentence is merely-highly-purely unintentional.

The HatcheR Manager
Chaata Insulting Pioneers Unlimited
Chaatanagar, India

Subject: Just like that


I know it is difficult to hatch, oops…..find female engineers and on top of it, suitable for the role of a consultant in a company like ours. For instance, look at yourself. Did you ever think you could compete in an engineering entrance? If yes, kindly erase that tiniest bit of confusion. I do not deny that a management (better say, donation) quota seat would have been an easy alternative.

You are beautiful and I know how much every-day-every-moment make-up means to you. No offence but you did the right thing. Your job wants you anytime in the office which is quite a relief for many. This office would have been a big ZERO without you. Not that you are the only lady here (although we are far behind the software companies in terms of quantity, let alone quality) but it is you we come across on and off every morning. Kadam kadam pe saath diya hai aapne. Our career aka salary growth depends entirely on you, forwarding our appraisal to the concerned authority. I also know that you have not done any indigestible injustice to me so far, expect you promoting the horrible-looking Rashmi a year ahead of me which did hurt.

Well, I must not beat around the bush and better get to the point. My tender heart starts to beat harder when each year you and your team go out on a recruitment drive. I wish I were there to accompany you. You must have heard this saying Ek panth do kaaj. What I want to say is that whatever resources available we should look at it positively and even explore beyond, for example science graduates. I am of the view that knowledge must be shared and this way the dreams of those who missed the tension-free engineering life and subsequently, the dream of turning into an engineer will easily be realized.

What do you think? Reply asap.

Yours forever,
Lukhkha Pandey
Senior Engineer without Assistant
Destruction BU   
+91 – I know you have my new number
Email: ghayal.aashique@frustugang.com