Whatsoever resemblance to any living or whosoever dead is INTENSE-NULL

Friday, June 25, 2010

Pledge, Plunge, Plan

I and the JAAG incubator came across a cribber/turd about a week ago on Shobhaa’s blog. Shobhaa, you got it right - the uncalled-for sex educator of the Indian society who thinks teenagers feed on her novels to know about the doctrines of Kamasutra. Foolishly crap!

So, this cribber/turd, who is a she, is one of the lamest citizen a country can't afford to have. She is also the best example of being a shitload-cum-tragedy to a family. Anyway, I am certain you aren’t like her. On the contrary if you are, you might consider resigning from this page now…..like NOW.

Coming to the point, today’s youths have a lot on their mind…..education, love and job - ONE and ONLY reason. It appears they are THREE reasons but in the actual sense of living in this era, they are so intertwined that one can only imagine to untie them to be counted as discrete needs in life. But it never ends just there. What is even more interesting is the acquiescence and consequently an initiative by WE types in opening up a morcha against the grubby/dodgy/rickety amphitheater of politics. Umpteen numbers of blogs, including mine, have come up to speak for mass awakening drives. Someone might say why not you get into the political shoes. Seriously, I can’t. First of all, I am no Machiavelli nor I have any blind-fan following like LPY. Secondly, “Always act wise - Impulsive decisions can be fatal” was taught to me by my guru. Third, why don’t you consider that for yourself? Why pinning down on me? The torch-bearer might not always lead the way. Some light up your way walking behind.

Arrrggghhh, distraction is such a curse. Where was I?

Yes, the youth today says “Aaj se khilaana band, pilaana shuru”. Bingo! Conscientiousness actually is vital to the beginning of a new era but it isn’t a trait that can be instilled the easy way in each being. It has to come gradually, as a result of moral education or genetically…..and never ever it is possible by means of thrashing or humiliating, as it only aggravates a rebellious side subsided within. So you need to pledge, then plunge and accordingly plan if you want to be the CHANGE you want to see in the society. JAAGoooo re!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Confidential Letter that was mistakenly revealed

March 15, 1950

Dear Shiva,

What’s up, buddy!!! I hope that you and your family are in sound health.     

By now, Naaradmuni must have told you about the twin city bombing. Remember the evil element that we hid at numerous places under the soil? These humans unearthed and used them to terrorize the innocent people and then, conquered that country. Heartrending, isn’t it?

Hey, in my previous letter I told you about the rapid deforestation in North America and Europe. You won’t believe, India too has joined the league. They will soon be drafting a five year plan, now that they set up a Planning Commission today in the morning session of their Parliament. Actually, I don’t blame them because anyway the sufferings shall ensue collectively. They also have the right to comfort after all the sufferings they had under the British Raj. Some day they will realize but then it might be too late. We don’t need to go into much detail. Let them dig their own grave. Our role is better limited to mechanizing the process. Speaking of which, I actually wrote this letter asking you for a favor, and I know you won’t disappoint me. I want you to come back to Earth and chalk out a plan for complete destruction. After all, you are an expert in this field. Just that make it look like we aren't responsible for it.

If you want it faster, you can contact Vishwakarma. Only he can instill in these people the expertise to build more advanced tools of comfort-cum-destruction. Another better idea can be uncapping the global warming. Like numerous machines releasing emissions that can gradually deplete the ozone layer. Oh, I still remember those times when we engineered that layer once Sun agreed to live with us in our system (even though we had to name the entire system after him). What an accomplishment that was! We asked him to lighten up the place and provide us warmth in winters but never did we expect to put him to this alternate use. But I am sure he would love to.

Okay, this is it. No further I am willing to waste any precious ink on these morons. BTW, do you know about the space programs these people are working on? The day is not far when they probe-find your abode because they have somehow realized the connection between Earth and Moon. Hehehe, I am not boasting but I must say I created the most intelligent species so far. Okay, now I am signing off. Do write back about your arrival so I can plan the trip to Mars for my new project. 

Your friend forever,

Monday, June 14, 2010

Quizzing the blog way.....not only funny!!!

I assume many of you know about an interesting series – Lapataganj on Sab TV. After all, asli maza sab ke saath aata hai. Don’t get me wrong….I have not been paid to advertise.

Anyway, there is a character that happens to relate every tom-dick-harry activity to his pitaaji (father). So, if someone brings up football in the discussion, he will say Football toh pitaaji khela karte the. Hmmm….wonder what happens to few great personalities when their children blabber the same way. So, here is a list of such one liner, the names omitted to let your hippocampus churn out the possibilities for a sugary tickle under your belly:
  • Ghotala toh pitaaji kiya karte the
  • Chaara toh pitaaji khaya karte the
  • Tweet toh pitaaji kiya karte the
  • Party toh pitaaji badla karte the
  • Daaru pee kar footpath pe gaari toh pitaaji chadhaya karte the
  • Sush ke saath saath aish toh pitaaji kiya karte the
  • (in American accent) Methyl isocyanate toh pitaaji leak kiya karte the
  • India shining ki hawa toh pitaaji chhora karte the
  • Classy hone pe bhi Aag jaisi movie toh pitaaji banaya karte the
  • Dharm ke naam pe sex scandal toh pitaaji kiya karte the
  • Lewinski ka shikaar toh pitaaji kiya karte the
  • Budhaape mei bhi saare movie contract toh pitaaji le jaya karte the
  • Bina peeye Madhusala toh pitaaji likha karte the
  • Party chief hone aur apne constituency mei railway zone banane ke baawzood election toh pitaaji haara karte the
  • Regionalism toh pitaaji kiya karte the (applies to don’t-know-how-many generations)
  • Swiss bank mei kaala dhan toh pitaaji jama kiya karte the (long list of baagar-billas)
  • WTC toh pitaaji uraya karte the
  • Sansad Bhawan/Taj attack toh pitaaji plan kiya karte the
  • Ghatiya, rone-dhone, ghar ko todne waale serial toh pitaaji….oops maataji banaya karti thi
  • Apni aur joridaar Haathi ki statues toh maataji banwaya karti thi                
  • Jantaa ke paison ki maala toh maataji pehna karti thi
  • TV, saaree, purse aur hazaaro jootiyaan toh maataji ghapla karti thi
  • Godmother/kingpin toh maataji hua karti thi
Ughhhh….guys, spare me. I am now sick of these lines. Punch in your thoughts and suggest any funnier character that crosses your mind.

Happy blogging!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Confession of Mr. Recession

Dear Indian Customers,

I know your sugar/vegetable/petrol consumption has declined since I burgled into your house. Believe me; I did not bring myself upon you. I was unintentionally programmed by the great players of the market to sweep off your almirah shelves when your peers in America defaulted on their home loans. Without doubt, the principles of financial prudence were ignored while disbursing the risky loans but does it matter now? 

The greed of higher returns led to the housing bubble which eventually burst. Despite the preventive measures by US Federal Reserve, I unwillingly swelled beneath your nose under the alias ‘Sub-prime Crisis’. Also, I had no idea about globalization as I last surfaced in 1930. Such cascading effect was not expected this time. You might still be angry but trust me, you are lucky that you lived in India. The major chunk of your loan is issued by the public sector banks that are extremely cautious. Plus, your bankers barely know about the CDOs.

Anyway, I am exceedingly sorry to have come to you despite the huge expanse of the oceans on your three sides and the shielding sky-soaring mountain on the fourth. Saluting your valor for fighting back this long.  

Warm regards,
Your never-returning adversary  

Recession Storming: Thriving In Downturns Through Superior Marketing, Pricing And Product Strategies                          

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Tragedy with WE, the people

Trying to keep it short and simple, it isn’t about the upcoming elections in Bihar as a political crisis is inevitable. This is rather about the types of people who represent us. I categorize them into the deaf, the dumb and the blind.

The deaf and the blind are the ones who go impaired once they are done with the voters i.e. after the elections. Winning or losing don’t matter. In other words, they are initially a seasonal non-deaf and a protracted deaf thereafter, even though they pretend to be normal when they tour around. Conned you!

The dumb is the one who goes impaired in the same fashion as the deaf and the blind but unlike them, he is eager to hear you out or even look into your misery. Obviously that suggests he is a forced-mute. Fooled you!

Oops….there is also the rare fourth type - the lame.  Although it sounds like I am talking about dictators. The last known personality was Hitler, and the recent one to be tagged is Nitish Kumar. Thackerays are self-proclaimed, so they can be ignored. So, the lame is the one who fights tooth and nail for the welfare of his people but his limbs are axed by his peers when they no longer are able to reap any benefits under his command, sometimes by his rivals when they know letting him loose any further shall earn them a ticket to their retirement. Sympathy seekers!

The above said four types combined give rise to WE, the people. Ain’t all of this the tragedy? 

What You Should Know About Politics...But Don't: A Nonpartisan Guide to the Issues      

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

It's way too complicated......

A pair of foot approaching the doorsteps caught my attention. It was quarter past midnight. I was at my study table, about 5 yards away from the door, revising under night lamp for the exam ahead. As the room was not properly lit, it occurred to me there stood a lady by the door. She seemed to know me well, and came close in no time. I said to myself, why the hell study so much if I can’t even enjoy this enticing blissful moment? Kal ho na ho……

And there she was about half a yard away. I was across the table and I began to imagine what she would look like. The long hair that run till her waist line were symptomatic of the fairy from the romantic, magical pages of the fairy tales. Except that she suited up, it made me feel I found the one. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her coming.

“May I request you to hold back your kind words?” I spoke with an utter surge of emotions through my veins from my head to my head. “I know this isn’t the right place or the time for those magical three words but trust me, this will be the most cherished part of our lives that we together will ink with our love”. I continued being overtly poetic. “And I know you too….”

“I too what, Nikhil?” The reply in a masculine tone shut me down. “You continue to ruin things for me on your blog.” She bent over to speak further. I noticed the badge on her coat that read THINK BEYOND. “And I have come only to tell you not to rubble me down or my institute.”

I felt a shudder. “Arindam? Is it you?”

The curtains are lifted and a splash of water wakes me up from the slumber.

Horrible Dream (Glis Mix)
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